Narcissism:
The eX-Factor

After suffering the devastating effects of parental alienation as a child, I matured into an adult full of optimism and hope for the future. I never imagined that I would be unfortunate enough to have to deal with parental alienation again in my lifetime, but I was.

Meeting my second husband, Kev, came at a time in my life when I was ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’. Words his sister Tina had quoted from a song that shared the same name. She had comically used them to describe my weekend club and pub outings.

Kev had been separated and then divorced since 1999 and had two children from that union (for this blog, I will refer to his daughter as K and his son as R). He had struggled a little after his divorce. His ex made it increasingly more difficult for him to spend time with K and R.

Rolling through the tides of mixed emotions in a post-divorce life, dealing with the separation from his children, he had become lost, so he left Brisbane for the Gold Coast, where he eventually turned to the church for guidance for a time.

A few months went by before Kev reunited with his children. On this first reunion, both K and R expressed their desire to spend the night with their father. It was at this time that the bm (biological mother) implemented a new rule. She decided that the time Kev spent with K and R should be measured against how much child support he was paying at the time. “They are not coming for a sleepover until you are paying full child support”, was the bm’s response. The more child support he paid, the more time K and R could visit with their father. My children and I arrived on the scene in 2003. Kev was paying full child support, so he was permitted to have ‘fairly’ regular visits every second weekend for one or two nights.

Kev was living in Surfer’s Paradise on the glittering Gold Coast when we met. I had moved there after my first marriage ended. My wounds were a little fresher than Kev’s, and my children resided with me. I had met Kev at his nephew’s birthday party. We had been set up, by Tina, in an attempt to help mend my broken heart. The attraction was instant, and after an initial date that lasted four days, we declared our exclusivity.

For the first few months that we lived together, the situation with Kev’s children seemed ok, not great, but ok. It was quite obvious that Kev’s ex-wife struggled with the notion that he had finally moved on with his life, and there was a certain bitterness in her interactions with us that reflected this. She had moved on not long after her separation from Kev and had birthed a child in that union. For some reason though, seeing Kev happy in a new family really rubbed her up the wrong way.

She planted seeds in K and R’s minds with malicious intent. She made them doubt their father’s loyalty to them, having them believe that my children were replacing them in Kev’s life. She spun them stories that their father had walked out on them, leaving them broke and constantly complained about everything, from where they slept in our house to minor disputes the four children had with each other (sibling rivalry). There was always something. During all of this, I never witnessed Kev question her when it came to similar situations under her roof. As far as he was concerned, it was none of his business. In a perfect world, the bm should have taken the same high road. She chose not to. More than anything else, she wanted to be in control at all times.

We had a few teething problems, as any new family does, and we dealt with them to the best of our ability. The bm played constant mind games, making life quite stressful at times and sparking arguments. She was doing her best to drive a wedge between Kev and me through segregation surrounding the four children. After a few months, K and R stopped coming to weekend visits. The bm had stated that in addition to other engagements in their life that they wanted to attend, Kev’s children didn’t like my children or me. Contrary to her statement, K and R openly displayed their affection for both myself and my boys.

Rather than have a round table discussion addressing these issues, she instead took it upon herself to let the decision of attending visits be K and R’s, (I should mention here that Kev’s children were aged eight and six respectively at this stage). We intuitively suspected that the bm was behind K and R’s reluctance to see us. Having been a child of parental alienation, I knew the warning signs and alarm bells were ringing loud and clear.

We started documenting everything. Phone calls, emails and conversations with K and R. When they hadn’t attended a visit for eight solid months, Kev initiated mediation to put a parenting plan in place.

He followed up with court proceedings in response to the bm not adhering to the mediation agreement. He applied for regular visitation with his children. The court ruled that the mother would retain custody of the children, and Kev would have access every third weekend for two nights and half of the holidays. The highlight of this court appearance was witnessing the judge tell the bm that she was “very unreasonable” as he ruled against her on a particular request. When dealing with an alienator to this degree it is reassuring to hear someone, such as a judge, declare out loud what we had been thinking all along.

At first, the court orders were somewhat followed by the other party, albeit intermittently, and at one point, the bm sent K to live with us following the birth of her fourth child. After living with us for three months, K returned to live with the bm of her own accord.

A couple of years later, when K was 15, she once again moved in with us. It had been her own decision this time. Kev made a verbal agreement with the bm to say that NO child support would change hands whilst they each had one child living with them, which was a fair agreement in everyones eyes.

The bm also requested that the court orders be amended to suit her new living arrangements. She had now moved four hours away to a town NW of our location. She said she didn’t want to do the long drive even though the original court orders had a clause outlining the conditions of one party moving more than 100 kilometres away. (The orders clearly stated that the party who moved away was responsible for the pickups AND drop-offs). She had conveniently washed her hands of this responsibility. She also wanted to reduce Kev’s visitation time with R from two nights down to a period of 26 hours once a month. In addition to this, she wanted Kev to meet her halfway. Kev refused this idea.

K stayed with us for almost a year. At that time, she stated that she wanted to return to her mother. The bm and her de facto had voiced, to us, that they believed K should remain living with us as they had no room for her in their home. It was no longer convenient for the bm to allow K to make her own decisions. Kev and I decided that K should live in the home of her own choosing, and she had made it very clear she no longer wanted to reside with us.

After K left, Kev received a handwritten letter from both K and R stating that they no longer wanted to attend visits.

The bm also contacted child support at this time and requested that the last three months of child support be reinstated, whereby Kev received a child support debt. So, in essence, the bm was double-dipping. This came as no surprise as she wasn’t a woman of her word. She had consistently demonstrated that money was her driving factor in both her life and the lives of K and R.

Kev wasn’t willing to go back to court to fight for his paternal rights to be present in his children’s lives. It was an issue that only a resident parent has control over. The finger of blame was being pointed squarely at us as to why the children didn’t want to see their father. Kev felt he was wasting his time pursuing visitation any further. The bm wasn’t taking the court orders seriously, happily stacking hurdles in Kev’s path every step of the way.

When you’re dealing with someone who has no concern for what’s fair, someone who views their children as objects to be owned and manipulated, it can be emotionally draining. For his mental health, Kev changed tactics in the fight for his children. He left the avenues of communication open for K and R to reach out if they chose to. He hoped, wished and prayed that they would contact him one day. Until that day came, he would have to keep them safely tucked away in his heart.

The absence of my own children’s father in their lives worked in our favour. Where Kev had lost his own two children, he had gained two others. My children could never fill the void that Kev’s children left, but they did fill his heart with love and his head with fond memories.

After suffering the devastating effects of parental alienation as a child, I matured into an adult full of optimism and hope for the future. I never imagined that I would be unfortunate enough to have to deal with parental alienation again in my lifetime, but I was.

Meeting my second husband, Kev, came at a time in my life when I was ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’. Words his sister Tina had quoted from a song that shared the same name. She had comically used them to describe my weekend club and pub outings.

Kev had been separated and then divorced since 1999 and had two children from that union (for this blog, I will refer to his daughter as K and his son as R). He had struggled a little after his divorce. His ex made it increasingly more difficult for him to spend time with K and R.

Rolling through the tides of mixed emotions in a post-divorce life, dealing with the separation from his children, he had become lost, so he left Brisbane for the Gold Coast, where he eventually turned to the church for guidance for a time.

A few months went by before Kev reunited with his children. On this first reunion, both K and R expressed their desire to spend the night with their father. It was at this time that the bm (biological mother) implemented a new rule. She decided that the time Kev spent with K and R should be measured against how much child support he was paying at the time. “They are not coming for a sleepover until you are paying full child support”, was the bm’s response. The more child support he paid, the more time K and R could visit with their father. My children and I arrived on the scene in 2003. Kev was paying full child support, so he was permitted to have ‘fairly’ regular visits every second weekend for one or two nights.

Kev was living in Surfer’s Paradise on the glittering Gold Coast when we met. I had moved there after my first marriage ended. My wounds were a little fresher than Kev’s, and my children resided with me. I had met Kev at his nephew’s birthday party. We had been set up, by Tina, in an attempt to help mend my broken heart. The attraction was instant, and after an initial date that lasted four days, we declared our exclusivity.

For the first few months that we lived together, the situation with Kev’s children seemed ok, not great, but ok. It was quite obvious that Kev’s ex-wife struggled with the notion that he had finally moved on with his life, and there was a certain bitterness in her interactions with us that reflected this. She had moved on not long after her separation from Kev and had birthed a child in that union. For some reason though, seeing Kev happy in a new family really rubbed her up the wrong way.

She planted seeds in K and R’s minds with malicious intent. She made them doubt their father’s loyalty to them, having them believe that my children were replacing them in Kev’s life. She spun them stories that their father had walked out on them, leaving them broke and constantly complained about everything, from where they slept in our house to minor disputes the four children had with each other (sibling rivalry). There was always something. During all of this, I never witnessed Kev question her when it came to similar situations under her roof. As far as he was concerned, it was none of his business. In a perfect world, the bm should have taken the same high road. She chose not to. More than anything else, she wanted to be in control at all times.

We had a few teething problems, as any new family does, and we dealt with them to the best of our ability. The bm played constant mind games, making life quite stressful at times and sparking arguments. She was doing her best to drive a wedge between Kev and me through segregation surrounding the four children. After a few months, K and R stopped coming to weekend visits. The bm had stated that in addition to other engagements in their life that they wanted to attend, Kev’s children didn’t like my children or me. Contrary to her statement, K and R openly displayed their affection for both myself and my boys.

Rather than have a round table discussion addressing these issues, she instead took it upon herself to let the decision of attending visits be K and R’s, (I should mention here that Kev’s children were aged eight and six respectively at this stage). We intuitively suspected that the bm was behind K and R’s reluctance to see us. Having been a child of parental alienation, I knew the warning signs and alarm bells were ringing loud and clear.

We started documenting everything. Phone calls, emails and conversations with K and R. When they hadn’t attended a visit for eight solid months, Kev initiated mediation to put a parenting plan in place.

He followed up with court proceedings in response to the bm not adhering to the mediation agreement. He applied for regular visitation with his children. The court ruled that the mother would retain custody of the children, and Kev would have access every third weekend for two nights and half of the holidays. The highlight of this court appearance was witnessing the judge tell the bm that she was “very unreasonable” as he ruled against her on a particular request. When dealing with an alienator to this degree it is reassuring to hear someone, such as a judge, declare out loud what we had been thinking all along.

At first, the court orders were somewhat followed by the other party, albeit intermittently, and at one point, the bm sent K to live with us following the birth of her fourth child. After living with us for three months, K returned to live with the bm of her own accord.

A couple of years later, when K was 15, she once again moved in with us. It had been her own decision this time. Kev made a verbal agreement with the bm to say that NO child support would change hands whilst they each had one child living with them, which was a fair agreement in everyones eyes.

The bm also requested that the court orders be amended to suit her new living arrangements. She had now moved four hours away to a town NW of our location. She said she didn’t want to do the long drive even though the original court orders had a clause outlining the conditions of one party moving more than 100 kilometres away. (The orders clearly stated that the party who moved away was responsible for the pickups AND drop-offs). She had conveniently washed her hands of this responsibility. She also wanted to reduce Kev’s visitation time with R from two nights down to a period of 26 hours once a month. In addition to this, she wanted Kev to meet her halfway. Kev refused this idea.

K stayed with us for almost a year. At that time, she stated that she wanted to return to her mother. The bm and her de facto had voiced, to us, that they believed K should remain living with us as they had no room for her in their home. It was no longer convenient for the bm to allow K to make her own decisions. Kev and I decided that K should live in the home of her own choosing, and she had made it very clear she no longer wanted to reside with us.

After K left, Kev received a handwritten letter from both K and R stating that they no longer wanted to attend visits.

The bm also contacted child support at this time and requested that the last three months of child support be reinstated, whereby Kev received a child support debt. So, in essence, the bm was double-dipping. This came as no surprise as she wasn’t a woman of her word. She had consistently demonstrated that money was her driving factor in both her life and the lives of K and R.

Kev wasn’t willing to go back to court to fight for his paternal rights to be present in his children’s lives. It was an issue that only a resident parent has control over. The finger of blame was being pointed squarely at us as to why the children didn’t want to see their father. Kev felt he was wasting his time pursuing visitation any further. The bm wasn’t taking the court orders seriously, happily stacking hurdles in Kev’s path every step of the way.

When you’re dealing with someone who has no concern for what’s fair, someone who views their children as objects to be owned and manipulated, it can be emotionally draining. For his mental health, Kev changed tactics in the fight for his children. He left the avenues of communication open for K and R to reach out if they chose to. He hoped, wished and prayed that they would contact him one day. Until that day came, he would have to keep them safely tucked away in his heart.

The absence of my own children’s father in their lives worked in our favour. Where Kev had lost his own two children, he had gained two others. My children could never fill the void that Kev’s children left, but they did fill his heart with love and his head with fond memories.

After suffering the devastating effects of parental alienation as a child, I matured into an adult full of optimism and hope for the future. I never imagined that I would be unfortunate enough to have to deal with parental alienation again in my lifetime, but I was.

Meeting my second husband, Kev, came at a time in my life when I was ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’. Words his sister Tina had quoted from a song that shared the same name. She had comically used them to describe my weekend club and pub outings.

Kev had been separated and then divorced since 1999 and had two children from that union (for this blog, I will refer to his daughter as K and his son as R). He had struggled a little after his divorce. His ex made it increasingly more difficult for him to spend time with K and R.

Rolling through the tides of mixed emotions in a post-divorce life, dealing with the separation from his children, he had become lost, so he left Brisbane for the Gold Coast, where he eventually turned to the church for guidance for a time.

A few months went by before Kev reunited with his children. On this first reunion, both K and R expressed their desire to spend the night with their father. It was at this time that the bm (biological mother) implemented a new rule. She decided that the time Kev spent with K and R should be measured against how much child support he was paying at the time. “They are not coming for a sleepover until you are paying full child support”, was the bm’s response. The more child support he paid, the more time K and R could visit with their father. My children and I arrived on the scene in 2003. Kev was paying full child support, so he was permitted to have ‘fairly’ regular visits every second weekend for one or two nights.

Kev was living in Surfer’s Paradise on the glittering Gold Coast when we met. I had moved there after my first marriage ended. My wounds were a little fresher than Kev’s, and my children resided with me. I had met Kev at his nephew’s birthday party. We had been set up, by Tina, in an attempt to help mend my broken heart. The attraction was instant, and after an initial date that lasted four days, we declared our exclusivity.

For the first few months that we lived together, the situation with Kev’s children seemed ok, not great, but ok. It was quite obvious that Kev’s ex-wife struggled with the notion that he had finally moved on with his life, and there was a certain bitterness in her interactions with us that reflected this. She had moved on not long after her separation from Kev and had birthed a child in that union. For some reason though, seeing Kev happy in a new family really rubbed her up the wrong way.

She planted seeds in K and R’s minds with malicious intent. She made them doubt their father’s loyalty to them, having them believe that my children were replacing them in Kev’s life. She spun them stories that their father had walked out on them, leaving them broke and constantly complained about everything, from where they slept in our house to minor disputes the four children had with each other (sibling rivalry). There was always something. During all of this, I never witnessed Kev question her when it came to similar situations under her roof. As far as he was concerned, it was none of his business. In a perfect world, the bm should have taken the same high road. She chose not to. More than anything else, she wanted to be in control at all times.

We had a few teething problems, as any new family does, and we dealt with them to the best of our ability. The bm played constant mind games, making life quite stressful at times and sparking arguments. She was doing her best to drive a wedge between Kev and me through segregation surrounding the four children. After a few months, K and R stopped coming to weekend visits. The bm had stated that in addition to other engagements in their life that they wanted to attend, Kev’s children didn’t like my children or me. Contrary to her statement, K and R openly displayed their affection for both myself and my boys.

Rather than have a round table discussion addressing these issues, she instead took it upon herself to let the decision of attending visits be K and R’s, (I should mention here that Kev’s children were aged eight and six respectively at this stage). We intuitively suspected that the bm was behind K and R’s reluctance to see us. Having been a child of parental alienation, I knew the warning signs and alarm bells were ringing loud and clear.

We started documenting everything. Phone calls, emails and conversations with K and R. When they hadn’t attended a visit for eight solid months, Kev initiated mediation to put a parenting plan in place.

He followed up with court proceedings in response to the bm not adhering to the mediation agreement. He applied for regular visitation with his children. The court ruled that the mother would retain custody of the children, and Kev would have access every third weekend for two nights and half of the holidays. The highlight of this court appearance was witnessing the judge tell the bm that she was “very unreasonable” as he ruled against her on a particular request. When dealing with an alienator to this degree it is reassuring to hear someone, such as a judge, declare out loud what we had been thinking all along.

At first, the court orders were somewhat followed by the other party, albeit intermittently, and at one point, the bm sent K to live with us following the birth of her fourth child. After living with us for three months, K returned to live with the bm of her own accord.

A couple of years later, when K was 15, she once again moved in with us. It had been her own decision this time. Kev made a verbal agreement with the bm to say that NO child support would change hands whilst they each had one child living with them, which was a fair agreement in everyones eyes.

The bm also requested that the court orders be amended to suit her new living arrangements. She had now moved four hours away to a town NW of our location. She said she didn’t want to do the long drive even though the original court orders had a clause outlining the conditions of one party moving more than 100 kilometres away. (The orders clearly stated that the party who moved away was responsible for the pickups AND drop-offs). She had conveniently washed her hands of this responsibility. She also wanted to reduce Kev’s visitation time with R from two nights down to a period of 26 hours once a month. In addition to this, she wanted Kev to meet her halfway. Kev refused this idea.

K stayed with us for almost a year. At that time, she stated that she wanted to return to her mother. The bm and her de facto had voiced, to us, that they believed K should remain living with us as they had no room for her in their home. It was no longer convenient for the bm to allow K to make her own decisions. Kev and I decided that K should live in the home of her own choosing, and she had made it very clear she no longer wanted to reside with us.

After K left, Kev received a handwritten letter from both K and R stating that they no longer wanted to attend visits.

The bm also contacted child support at this time and requested that the last three months of child support be reinstated, whereby Kev received a child support debt. So, in essence, the bm was double-dipping. This came as no surprise as she wasn’t a woman of her word. She had consistently demonstrated that money was her driving factor in both her life and the lives of K and R.

Kev wasn’t willing to go back to court to fight for his paternal rights to be present in his children’s lives. It was an issue that only a resident parent has control over. The finger of blame was being pointed squarely at us as to why the children didn’t want to see their father. Kev felt he was wasting his time pursuing visitation any further. The bm wasn’t taking the court orders seriously, happily stacking hurdles in Kev’s path every step of the way.

When you’re dealing with someone who has no concern for what’s fair, someone who views their children as objects to be owned and manipulated, it can be emotionally draining. For his mental health, Kev changed tactics in the fight for his children. He left the avenues of communication open for K and R to reach out if they chose to. He hoped, wished and prayed that they would contact him one day. Until that day came, he would have to keep them safely tucked away in his heart.

The absence of my own children’s father in their lives worked in our favour. Where Kev had lost his own two children, he had gained two others. My children could never fill the void that Kev’s children left, but they did fill his heart with love and his head with fond memories.